MAYNARD, 1993 A.D. -- Paleontologists today uncovered the greatest find of the millennium -- a 200-ton block of amber containing four perfectly preserved dinosaurs. The momentous discovery was made by Al Poopenschkoop of Maynard, MA as he was digging for antique cigarette butts in his backyard last Tuesday. Paleontologists rushed to the site immediately and with the help of fourteen-hundred dinosaur-crazed children armed with plastic Jurassic Park^TM shovels, uncovered the record-breaking find. Biologists say the dinosaurs look remarkably healthy and appear to be playing musical instruments. "I cannot stress enough the importance of this find," said Dr. Roberts of the Maynard Institute for Wicked Good Science. "Finally, we have real evidence that the dinosaurs were not only intelligent, socially conscious beings, but they liked to dance as well." Dr. Roberts provided the following descriptions of the dinosaurs:

Ringosaurus rex -- Easily identified by his tremendous nose-to-body weight ratio, R. rex represents the turning point in the evolution of drummers. Huge ears to counter deafness, a brain only large enough to keep the beat, and maximized gluteus maximi for prolonged sitting made this beast truly the King of the Bongos.

Paulosaurus primadonnus -- The first identifiably left-handed dinosaur, Paulosaurus is a third lighter than the other dinosaurs and has a second bone in his jaw for smiling. Extra muscles in his neck allowed him to shake his head at the rate of one thousand jiggles per second and still wink at his audience. He is the only one of the four with bare feet instead of hooves and scientists believe this may have led to his species' early extinction.

Georgeosaurus takemywifeus -- Georgeosaurus's hands feature an elongated claw, which may have been used as a guitar pick. Lack of ears and a noticeably thicker skull indicate that he was impervious to loud noises and probably used certain guitar notes to stun his prey and attract females. The Georgeosaurus's hands are also double-jointed, allowing him to play songs backwards as well as forwards.

Johnosaurus kissmeharmonicus -- A showcase of dinosaur talent, Johnosaurus may be the missing link between kittens, bulldogs, ponies, and walruses. His massive throat and long fingers were perfectly adapted for singing and smoking, as well as drinking beer and eating small Japanese beetles. Scientists estimate his overall stature at slightly less than Elvis but bigger than Jesus.

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